Coworker Number One: Super Annoying Coworker

Heretofore, he shall be dubbed SAC (Get it? And I get to call him "sac." It's win-win).

SAC is the most annoying person in the world.

Okay, I haven't met all the people in the world, but he has to rank in the top ten. With Carrot Top and Juliette Lewis.

When I first started working here, I didn't think he was so bad. I didn't like the way he called me "love" or jokingly flirted with me. Because I'm at work, ya'll. I knew he didn't mean any of it as he was (inexplicably) in a happy and committed relationship.

To be fair, I've never met her, so she may be certifiably insane. It's the only logical explanation.

Here's a rundown of my issues with SAC:

1. He has more phlegm than any human being should have.
2. He is the nosiest person I've ever met.
3. He always wants a favor.
4. He still calls me "love"
5. He is incapable of filling his timesheet out correctly.
6. He wears wife-beaters to work.
7. He therefore unnecessarily shows me his nipples and armpit hair.
8. He is an excessive kiss ass.
9. He uses exclamation points all the time!
10. He breathes.

Let me expand on one of these.

He. Has. So. Much. Phlegm. Ugh. I have a physical reaction to his laugh. Not "Ooohhh, it makes me wet." More like "Oh! Those eggs were better the first time!" I'll try to paint you a picture. Well, acoustically speaking.

Let's say you have a bathtub. Or a shower. Probably either will do. And in that bathtub or shower, there's a drain. This is a good thing for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that a flooded bathroom is a pain in the ass to use. This drain is the kind that is molded completely with the bottom of your bathtub or shower, with the little holes in the top for the water to flow down. You know the kind I mean, right? Hang on, let me get you a picture (though I think I painted it beautifully with words).




Like that, see?

Okay, so let's say you decide you need to take a nice hot bath. With a really crusty caveman. While you're in the tub, the caveman will likely shed hair and crust all into the tub. I know, it's gross. Stay with me.

Because you're so disgusted with the caveman's floating hair and crust (which I'm assuming is part dust, part mold, part blood, and part cavewoman sweat), you reach down and unplug the drain. Water flows freely down the drain until the hair and crust start catching on it. It slowly makes its way out of the tub and into the great beyond where tomorrow you will probably drink it unfiltered from a bottle you bought at the 7-11 because everyone knowst that there are almost no restrictions placed on bottled water and it's really no better for you which is why you usually drink tap water, but tomorrow you'll decide you want a bottle of caveman crust, for nostalgia purposes.

Anyway, that moment when the last of the water tries to make its way through the hair and crust on the drain and down into the pipes? It makes this terrible gurgly sucking noise. And that noise? Is what SAC's laugh sounds like. You can feel my pain now, right?